Thank You For Ruining Movie Night

 More so then every before going to the movies is the way many of us escape the realities of real life. Bills, broken relationships, unhappy family life, all disappear when we step into that darkened theater and for two hours we forget everything and just want to be entertained. Just as in life there is
always some yahoo who wants to spoil it for us. Instead of letting us enjoy our time there they have to be, how do I put this scientifically, a big dorkface. Henceforth I will refer to this person as Seat #10 which will become obvious further along in this story.

                                                          

 Movie etiquette is something that should be so simple only a child cannot follow the rules. It is as simple, and yet virtually everyone seems to not understand how to follow it. It does not get more obvious then the disclaimers they plaster throughout the theater and before the movie asking you to silence your cellphones. I just paid $20 to see Prometheus in IMAX and in 3D. I do not need to hear your horrible “Call Me Maybe” ringtone in the middle of my movie because you failed third grade reading class. Seriously, am I asking you too much to just silence your phone for just a couple of hours? I mean you also paid $20 as well to see the movie and you want to spend it doing the same thing you do at work 8 hours a day? Dude, its not that important that you update your Twitter account about how much you find your life depressing cause you're going nowhere? And not to mention when you turn on your phone it's not like I cannot notice. These phones are so bright it illuminates every seat within a 4 seat radius. Its like the sun rising and you do that squinty eye-thing cause you don’t expect it.

                                        

                                                    (Not That...)

 And by proxy, the same goes for iPads. Jackass, seriously you do not need to watch a movie BEFORE THE MOVIE. And you don’t need to play Bejeweled or any of that other crap. Did you really need to lug around your iPad to overcompensate for the fact that you wasted $700 on a tablet? I think Steve would be alright with you leaving it at home for 3 freaking hours.

Another thing people need to watch is how they just leave their trash everywhere. I know that you are paying to have a good time and you think that it's your right to treat the theater like your own personal garbage can. But it seems like people go far beyond a napkin or two. I walk down the aisle as I leave a theater and it seems like people took whatever they didn’t eat and dropped it all over the floor. Popcorn buckets, half drunk sodas, and candy wrappers all over. I step on all of it as I’m leaving. All I can think is is this how people treat there homes. Cause it takes virtually no energy to throw your trash away on the way out. Why can't people have a little courtesy and just throw it in the garbage can? Is that really too much to ask?

But my biggest pet peeve about the movies is people who talk while the movie is playing. I am very militant when the movie starts. I’ll talk a little during the previews but once the movie actually starts, I will not say a word to anyone. You can ask me a direct question and I will not do anything more than grunt or smile at you. If I have any questions or comments about the movie I will wait till the end to say anything. I just paid $20 to see whatever it is I’m seeing and for those two hours I do not want to have a running commentary on the film.

There are a couple of different types of people who talk. 

• First there is cellphone talker guy. This one is self-explanatory. Don’t tell someone you are at the movies cause it just makes me want to kick the back of your seat and hope it makes you drop your phone.
• Another is “Explanation girl”. This person (man or woman you both equally annoy me) ask questions as the movie is in progress. “Why is he doing that?”, or “Do you think she will get back together with him?” Nevermind the fact that if you just wait a couple of minutes all your questions will be answered if you would only WATCH THE MOVIE. You would think people at this point who go to movies would have enough movie sense to figure out that most questions they have will be answered in the film if only you would just watch and enjoy the movie. But; No. You want to know why something is happening instead of letting things play out in the film. It's why no one likes to go to the movies with you. You are the last resort when a person does not want to go by themselves they call you.
•  Maybe the most annoying to encounter is one I will dub “Fanboy”. With so many different movies being made about things from my childhood (G.I. Joe, Transformers, Lord of the Rings, etc.) it is a genuine joy to see my childhood come to life on the big screen. Some people, though, take things too far and have an incessant need to try and spoil my fond memories and make them nightmares. As an example I refer back to Seat #10. A couple of years back I went with a large group of people to see the updated Star Trek film in IMAX with a group of friends. The film, of course, was great. But for the one gentleman sitting next to me in Seat #10 it was more of a religious experience. He had been waiting for this movie for a while as evidenced by his applauding for the “Paramount Pictures presents” screen that preceded the title. As the movie progressed he began to get more and more, ahem, “vocal” with his enjoyment of the film. Saying things like, “You go Urula” and “Oh shit Sulu you’re badass”. He would clap over virtually ever important line of dialogue most of which I missed as a result of the man in Seat #10. But his topper was when the original Spock, Leonard Nimoy, was about to exit the film without saying his iconic line, “Live long and prosper”. Seat #10 kept saying to his friend over and over, “He’s about to say the line, say the line, come on say the line” until he said the line. Seat #10 then said, “He said the line” proceeding with the largest laugh and clap you have ever heard. Seriously I think he woke up people who were asleep in other towns let alone in the theater. Seat #10 was without a doubt the most annoying type of talker there is. He does not realize his (or her) own obnoxiousness. And its not just for lines of dialogue. They also react for other things like hero shots, surprise cameos, and other nods to his (or her) fanboydom.

Please do not get me wrong I do not have a problem with people going to the movie and wanting to enjoy themselves. But there has to be a line between enjoying the film and just being outright annoying. We pay way too much money going to the theater to accept that we have a right to be annoying and take away one’s enjoyment of the film. Even if I hate a film so much it bored me to tears I will not talk how bad it is in the middle of the film. Cause no matter how much I hate any Channing Tatum film, I realize there are many gay men, and married and single women who might just be there for more then just the plot.

  

                                                    (Step Up 28: The Search for Zumba)     

 They want to see more of Channing’s derrière.

 Um, can I get an AMEN, please? How about a FUCK YEAH!!!!!! As a matter of fact.......

We go to the movies together A LOT. Why is J my movie-buddy of choice? Well, because as much as we want to start tearing a movie apart or start creaming our pants because we are the Fanboys, we know better than to ruin the movie-going experience with annoying shit he just pointed out.

There's not much I can add that J hasn't already covered, so I'm just gonna piggyback off some of the good points he made.

First and foremost, if you are pulling out your GINORMOUS FUCKING 20" screen smartphone to text someone while the movie is in progress, you are a fucking douchebag.

DOUCHEBAGS

Yeah, I said it. Are you a heart surgeon on call? Are you a psychiatrist with a patient that's about to jump off the roof? Are you a fireman who just got called to fight a blaze? What's that? No, you're not any one of those people? Then, guess what you Text-Happy-Bastard? You're a douchebag. Don't sit near me. Don't sit NEXT to me, and don't drape your jacket over your chair and have me sitting behind you. My size 5 Cons will firmly be doing the douchbag dance all over it in my most passive-aggressive way.

Smartphones are awesome. We all love them. Put them away for two fucking hours. No one will die because you didn't tweet that you enjoyed Channing Tatum's ass during Pony. It's all good. The world can wait for that declaration until after the movie is over. If you do this while you're out with ME, I may spare your  feelings, but you will NOT get another movie invite out of me. I'd rather sit alone with a brown-bagged 40oz on a Friday night surrounded by hundreds of hormone-crazed teenagers rather than sit next to you EVER again in a dark movie theater. 

Cell Phone Talker: If you answer your phone and don't excuse yourself by leaving the theater, you're a bigger douchebag than the Smart Phone bastard. Yes, there's an ass for that. Someone carrying on a conversation on their phone during the movie reminds me of the idiot who had his headphones blaring during Les Miserable on Broadway. Not only are you missing out on what's going on (which is on you, and I could care less) but you're fucking it up for everyone around you. You deserve to trip and fall in the lobby and knock out your front two teeth in front of everyone. 

Explanation Girl vs Statler and Waldorf: What's more annoying; the asshole who comes into a movie knowing nothing and expecting everyone around them to explain what the hell is going on or the two assholes who decide that it is their inalienable right to sit through the entire movie and critique it loudly for the rest of the movie-going-crowd to hear? Who is worse? Unfortunately, I've sat next to both of these morons. 

During my much-anticipated premier of Prometheus, I was saddled next to a young-adult couple (not even old enough to remember the original Alien). As soon as the lights dimmed, this dimwitted girl proceeded to plow her boyfriend with a million and one questions, "What's going on? Who is that? When do the aliens get there? What are they doing?" and on and on and on.....I could have gone postal on this bitch but the fact that her boyfriend kept ANSWERING her nearly gave me a rage-induced heart attack. WTF?!?!?! Seriously, guy?? Tell your partner you'll explain later and for fuck's sake, don't EVER drag a girl like this out to a movie on PREMIER night. If you don't know what's happening, then don't go on a night when 98% of the theater already did their geek-search and have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a Sci-Fi cult film. Don't do it!! Go watch Katy Perry or Justin Beiber so you can absentmindedly sing along to some pop garbage and leave us serious-movie-goers in peace. 

On the other hand, you get the know-it-all ilk of people who feel as though their opinion is the end-all, and why not just go ahead and talk all through a movie? "Why did the director pick this location? Who says that after sex? Oh, body-double! This is so cliche! I can see the strings! This music is all wrong for this scene. Watch, the killer is behind the shower curtain!" You get the gist. These people need to not ever leave their homes. EVER.

Besides the critic-wannabe's, some folks may know of this thing back in the day called Mystery Science Theater? It's been updated to RiffTrax, and is pretty entertaining and hilarious if you like a nice dose of snark along with your movie. They can make a bad movie manageable and make a good movie even better....If you're in the mood for it. I've watched my share of Riff'd movies  and had a good time doing it. HOWEVER, there is a dark side to anything. A lot of the fans of MST3K think they are as funny as the talent, and they feel that because they have watched every singled Riff'd movie imaginable, they are just as good if not better and THEY can go ahead and riff a movie while it's in progress. I'm fairly certain this post is already dripping with more F-bombs than J is comfortable with, so I'm gonna reign it in a little bit. There is the talent we are watching and then there are the fans. Don't be an elitist fucktard. MST3K is funny. YOU riffing my movie while I'm trying to watch is just fucking obnoxious. Save it for your home audience. Trust me, they will appreciate it more than a theater full of people who probably have no idea what the fuck you're doing. 

The Fanboy: This is a nice segue-way into the Fanboy phenomenon. I admit it. I can be a HUGE Fangirl when it comes to certain movies. I'll buy my opening night ticket months in advance. Plan my outfit (if called-for). And make sure I have a nice group of other fan-people to enjoy the night with me. When I go to the movies on these nights, I KNOW for a fact that I am going to be squished in a crowded movie theater with hundreds of real fans. They will cheer. They will clap. They will laugh loudly. And there will be talkers. I know it, and I'm ready for it, and I know I'll have to watch the movie again to catch all the dialogue I missed on Fan Night. However, once I'm in a fairly quiet theater surrounded by other quiet people, trying to understand the movie; I put the Fan Girl away. Maybe they DON'T know the awesomeness that is Tony Stark because they didn't watch the other movies that built up to the awesomeness that was The Avengers. Maybe they aren't aware of the nonsense Loki pulled on Thor during that awful film with Natalie Portman. And that's okay. What's NOT okay is for me to open my mouth, clap my hands, and let my laughter ring out clear while other people are trying to HEAR what's happening. There's a time and a place for Fandom. I know it, and I try to live by the rules of etiquette accordingly. I'm a Fan Girl. But I don't let it justify being a rude flickster. And I was there BOTH times J had to deal with Seat #10 in the same IMAX theater. Poor guy couldn't catch a break, but that's what he gets for dragging me to watch Robot Porn 2; complete with dangling metal robot testicles. **insert eye-roll here**. Oh, and another thing.....just because you approve of or thoroughly enjoy the soundtrack of a movie....It DOES NOT give you permission to throw up the devil horns and start head-banging while said-movie is in progress. Nor does it make it okay for you to stick up your index fingers like a composer's baton and start singing along. I'm sorry, there's an invisible line in the ground, and you, SIR, just crossed it. 

 ****CREDITS****

The "No Talking During the Movie" image came from THIS awesome Deviant. 

RiffTrax can be found HERE.