Fifty Shades of.....Zzzzzzzz

 
 
If you are a big-time fan of Twilight, this review will probably not be well received by you. Look away now. I promise you sarcasm. I promise you snark. I will drop spoilers with a scathing litany of colorful language, that will go way beyond a trite little "Oh
my...".

Book 1: Fifty Shades of Grey

C'mon leftover, brain cells! Let's pull our resources and string some words together so we can adequately describe the insipidness of this book. I didn't know anything about it, except that soccer moms were reading it under the covers with their nightgowns hitched around their waists. Copies were constantly sold out at B&N. I saw women young and old reading it on the train, on the bus, at the lunch counters, and in the break rooms. It was everywhere! My curiosity was piqued. However, it wasn't until it was a chosen book of my monthly book club did I really try to put aside some private time to read it.

I was forewarned about the "kinky fuckery". In fact, truth be told, I rather enjoy the kinky fuckery. I'm no stranger to the more unique side of bed sports. I embrace it. I don't run away; I run towards the hijinks, both hands flailing in the air like a chubby kid running after Mr. Softee.  In short; I dig the kink. No shame.


Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. This book is poorly written. Bad grammar, incorrect punctuation, and overall repetitive writing envelopes soft-core erotica and cliched circumstances. I understand the author independently published her Twilight fan-fiction, but did an editor take a gander at this mess? At least once? Was the red pen set down so that a little buzzing rabbit could take it's place? How could such an error-ridden publication go to print without an adequate once-over?

How about a little background? From what I gather online, this book was originally titled "Masters of the Universe" and was published on a Twilight Fan Fiction site, utilizing the two main characters from Twilight; Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Because of the graphic sex scenes, she was eventually pressured to take it down, and she re-posted it on her own website Fiftyshades.com . Eventually, she rewrote it changing the names of the main characters. It was released as an e-book and print-on-demand out of a small virtual publisher based in Australia. Through word of mouth recommendations, it's blown up to the sensation that it is today, but mostly throughout the female-over-30s crowd, crowning it with the term "Mommy Porn".

They say the discreet cover and title, as well as the popularity of e-readers gave women a little self-empowerment to read erotica. I say bullshit to this. You want to read porn? For Christ's sake; read porn. You want to call it Erotica? Slap a book cover on it and call it Dr. Suess for all I care. Do as you please. Are we not all entitled to a little free will? We shall see...

In summation, what was this book about? A college virgin meets the most eligible, rich, unattainable bachelor in Washington, and after one brief encounter, he grows very infatuated with her. Within days, she gives up the cherry, accepts some very high-pricetag gifts, and is suddenly swept up in a whirlwind romance with Mr. Grey.

If you can get past the cliches and the junior high-school level descriptions and the loose-term of creative writing, then you go right ahead and jump into a world where an ordinary girl can meet the most desirable man in the world and has him fall in love with her at first sight. Let's take it a step further and make him flawed. Yes! We can't have a romance without a little struggle, right? Let's say he's emotionally dead. He's kinky. He wants contracts and a solid agreement in place that will give you almost all your heart will ever desire, except of course his love, in exchange for your sexual submission to him in a classic Dominant and Submissive relationship. He is the Dom. She is the Sub. What's that? Female empowerment, you say? Where's her pride? Where's her self respect? Well, as our Mr. Grey explains, he will take care of her. Cars. Clothes. Food. Trips. Beauty treatments. Personal trainers. All this woman really has to do and wake up and be ready to please him. That's all. Not a bad, deal right?

No, no, no. Like any good girl, our Ana has to scoff at this! She can take care of herself, she says as she eyes an expensive set of first edition novels he sent her for the hell of it. She's an independent woman, she yells as she drives off in the brand new Audi he bought her in order to keep her "safe". And she doesn't need anyone telling her when to eat, she whines as he drags her to one fine dining establishment after another so that she can eat something and stay "healthy".

The author touches on reasons why Mr. Grey is the way that he is; why he needs his sexual relationships to be so rigid and why he needs to be in control and to cause sexual pain in order to feel pleasure. She touches on it, but it's just a fleeting image and it's frustrating to read, thinking you're going to understand the psychology behind the kink by the end of the book....but you don't. It's like trying to see a boob on the scrambled porn channel that running the illegal cable straight into the back of your tv used to afford you. (You know who you are, you horny bastards!) Like I said, though, no shame. Well, you may see a nipple and get an audible moan, but it's all for naught.

If you're looking for your S&M or BDSM in this book, keep looking. You get a couple of flashes of it and perhaps even a few graphic sex scenes, but the bondage is light and fleeting. Any of the classic structures of Dom/Sub relationships is faulty and crumbles fairly early in the book. What was promising to be hot, kinky book of a sexy man dominating the hell out of a woman the reader can relate to is quickly squashed.

Why is it squashed? Here, let me tell you.

Mr Grey. If you're looking for the perfect man- gorgeous, rich, brilliant, multi-talented, witty, worldly, and sexy- here he is. What's his tragic flaw? He's a steadfast Dom. He wants to tell you what to wear, what to eat, what to drive, how to act, and how to please him. Let's put female empowerment aside- being thoroughly dominated by a man like this is a sexy, sexy fantasy that MANY women have. Whether or not they admit it, that juicy little sex scene is there, hidden in the recesses of their mind- the dark place they hide things like The Rabbit and a beat-up copy of some tawdry Harlequin novel. The problem? For some unknown reason to the reader or to Ana, he starts to take down his rules one by one all to please Ana. Huh??? Where's that sexy Dom we were all falling for?

The only thing worse than this book are the women who think they'll be into kinky fuckery because they liked this book.

A Dom/Sub relationship is a complex dance that is not only physically pleasing for both parties, but emotionally and psychologically, as well. People who embrace this lifestyle openly and whole-heartedly will find this book offensive because of the libterties this author took.

In short, the plot is weak. The characters are poorly structured. The writing is trite. And the sex is boring. It's like standing all day at a station waiting for a train that never comes. 

"laters, baby"

 This began as an experiment of a certain type. I had bought my girlfriend a copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey. She then asked me to read it and of course I immediately said no. I actually remember saying no before she even finished saying the title. I had absolutely zero interest in reading what has been dubbed, “mommy porn”. But then the Chef asked me too read it as part of a kind of he said, she said type piece for the blog. She said I could write about it from a guy’s perspective and she would write from a woman’s perspective. Even though I still didn’t want to I figured if both are asking me I could muscle through it and then write something funny about it here for everyone too read.

So it was with a certain amount of reluctance that I read Fifty Shades of Grey.

Or should I say I tried to read it.

Let me just say that I am writing this post having not read what the Chef had written about this book. So if we both have similar thoughts it is purely coincidental.

First I should inform you of my reading style. I do something that both my girlfriend and the Chef utterly despise. I read the last page of any book first. My logic is if the last page is interesting enough to make me want to go back and read the whole book then its worth my time to read. The last page of this book left me with no interest in reading the book.

I read a lot and often. Books, magazines, newsletters, and websites are some of the many things I read. So to say my time is precious and I have to pick and choose what I read is obvious. And I usually have two or three books in my queue (at this time its Eat This, Not That, Robopocalypse, and Battle Royale) so I was less then excited to get into Fifty Shades of Grey which I had no interest in reading.

But I was asked to read it so I tried to dive in headfirst and it turned out I dove into an empty pool. I did read the first ten pages of the book but even then I was even more bored then before I started reading it. But I had a day off and I figured I may as well get this over with. I found out that the book was 500 pages which isn’t a long book. But it is a long book if you have zero interest in the subject matter. I wound up just flipping through the book in about 3 hours and here is what I got out of it.

This book has sex in it that is obvious. It seemed to me like an extended letter a person would send to an adult magazine about some fantasies a person would have. Christian Grey is some man who does not want any relationship with a girl. He just wants to have sex with no strings attached. And the girl in the book (whose name I am forgetting right now as you can see I was paying a ton of attention to what I was reading) is a 22 year old who is totally ok with this. I guess I understand this if a multi-millionaire was buying me clothing and Audi’s.

I flipping through the book I have found, beyond sex, this book is about three things:

1. Eating – Christian Grey is obsessed with this girl eating. I have no idea why but Almost every page I flipped to that was not about sex was about him telling her to eat. Listen dude some people do not want to eat all the time. He must have wanted her to get fat fast. If that is the case just take her to the Olive Garden. All the food there is horrible and is super fatty (As mentioned in Eat This, Not That Fast Food Edition).
2. Emails – Christian Grey likes to email. A LOT. These two spend a good 50 pages emailing back and forth too each other about the most banal stuff imaginable. I was too bored to read any of it while I was flipping through the book, But needless to say dude, if you want to get in touch just call her or text her. It’s a lot faster then email. (As mentioned in the amazing book Robopocalypse where an email account is hacked by a renegade artificial intelligence).
3. Contracts – One of the first things mentioned by Christian Grey is that before he has sex with the girl is that she needs to sign a contract. And he was not joking when he said it’s a contract. The thing has like 16 different points or obligations that must be met before he will have sex with her. Seriously dude if you the girl wants to have sex with you this is the way to make the girl not want to have sex with you is to give her a contract. And the worst part is he breaks his contract and has sex with her before she signs it. Then they go back and debate points of the contract. Wait what? Are you seriously debating the contract like it’s a divorce settlement or a loan? I thought I was reading a Law and Order episode with riders and amendments. Really dude a contract (Just like in the book Battle Royale where every year there is a contract to take on class of students and put them on an island and have them kill each other. This is of course what The Hunger Games ripped off from)?

 I did read the last couple of pages and what kind of baffled me was the ending. He did all this kinky stuff to her and at the end (spoiler alert but not too much since I really don’t care and I will not be reading the other books in this series) she winds up leaving him because he spanks her with a belt. Really lady is that the deal breaker? He did all these different things to you and you want to leave him because he hit you six times with a belt? Talk about anti-climactic. She could have killed him and taken his fortune but instead it was six whacks with the belt and now I am going to leave you.

Obviously this book was not aimed at me so you really cannot take my review all that seriously. This book is aimed at all the middle aged mommy’s out there and are definitely not meant for a heterosexual 34-year old male. Despite my bashing of the book I can why this is so popular with the crowd it is aimed for. A rich good looking guy millionaire and a young idealistic woman making passionate whoopee together.

Yes I said whoopee.  

Sorry Chef I tried to read the book like you asked but I just could not do it. I could not risk the brain cells I would have killed reading it.