Iron Bland 3

                Usually when I write about a subject I spend two to three hours checking facts, editing, and constructing an intro, a body, and a conclusion for you our dear readers. But this one is an easy hour

cause this is going to be a simple subject to write about.

                
Comic book movies have been quite ubiquitous the last 15 years or so. I believe it was Spider-Man which kicked off the deluge of comic book movies we have seen. Before that you would get the occasional Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Superman films, with a Marvel film thrown in here or there. But after Spider-Man made millions of dollars movie companies realized something people who have read comic books for years have known; that there are ready made stories by the hundreds available for development into movie properties. No you cannot get through a movie year without dozens of comic book based movie properties coming out every year. And it is not just major comic book franchises that are being developed into films. It is some that are very little known (Kick-Ass), and some that are never even make it to comic book form (Tom Cruises recent box office gem Oblivion). But even second tier characters get their own films now as event by films such as Judge Dredd, Green Lantern, Ghost Rider, and any Punisher or Wolverine films.

                
Which brings us to Iron Man. He was one of those second tier superheroes in the Marvel universe who was developed into a film because Marvel was looking to cash in one all of the other comic films they had sold to different movie companies. This time though it would be under an umbrella called the ‘Marvel Universe’ which would allow the characters within these films to interact with each other. This would be impossible for Marvel characters that have been licensed to certain studios such as the Spider-Man and X-Men franchises. But in the ‘Marvel Universe’ these characters could pop into each other’s films which is one of the axioms of comic books, the guest appearance. So Marvel began pumping out movies starting with the original Iron Man film which was a film that was one of the better comic book films ever. The character of Tony Stark was tailor made for Robert Downey Jr. and it took him from being just another actor to a superstar actor. The film had a well written story, an engaging cast, and was a visual feast that didn’t feel like it was tacked on just so we could see some robot on robot action. Every scene had a purpose and it all built to what has become the calling card of all Marvel films which is the extra scene at the end of the film. In this case it was Nick Fury mentioning to Tony Stark about the Avengers which was a line that built over several films towards the Avengers film which came out last year.

"You want to join us Batman?" "I'm in the Justice League so I don't need to team with you losers."

That film is easily one of the best comic book films ever made right up there with the most recent Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy. It was fan service to comic book fans but at the same time it was just a really, really good film filled with laughs, action, and a compelling story by nerd God Joss Whedon. It was as perfect a film as could have ever been about a comic book, one that many of us had thought might not ever happen in our lifetimes.

                
So now Marvel is rolling out its post-Avengers films with Iron Man 3 being the first up to the plate. Marvel isn’t even hiding the fact that they cannot wait to get to the next Avengers film fast enough in 2015 as the second Thor film is scheduled to come out later this year. But back to Iron Man 3 I’m just going to be as blunt as I can: I HATED THIS FILM. To me it was the one of the most annoying, uncompelling, least enjoyable films I have seen this year.

                
At this point I put the spoiler warning up here. So if you have not seen the film and intend to go and be disappointed in Iron Man 3 while putting an unnecessary extra $20 per IMAX 3D viewing then STOP READING RIGHT NOW.

                
Ok so why did I dislike this film so much? Let me count the ways. First is the director who seemed like he intended to make an Iron Man film that paid homage to the previous Iron Man films. The only problem is unlike in the previous films where the characters seemed like it was natural when they made jokes and interacted this film everything feels forced. Like Tony Stark would make fun of a kid whose Dad left him so he’s going to tell that joke now to the kid. Even though Tony Stark himself resented his Dad for never being around when he wanted him to be. Or you have Jon Favreau’s character Happy just acting like a moronic tool who takes his job way too seriously. All the characters in this film felt to me like they were playing to how they were in other films instead of just being themselves.

                
I also felt like there was too many iron men in Iron Man 3. This is no more evident than in the finale of the film when 42 different iron men fly to Tony Stark’s rescue. Now I’m all for robots in film but this was wholly unnecessary. Its like they did a focus group with 10 year olds kids and asked them what they would have liked to have seen more of in an Iron Man movie and they blurted out “More Iron Man’s!!!!!” so they decided to put a bunch into this film. And how is it that Tony Stark spent the whole film fighting all these people who burn through his suit and not once did any of them get through the suit and in the final scene they were ripping apart Iron Man suits like they were made of paper mache? I just felt the overuse of iron men really robbed the specialness of seeing Iron Man.

Exective: How many suits did the kid say we needed? Lackey: 42 I think.

                
And did they ever explain after Pepper Potts saves Tony Stark whether or not she will die like Guy Pierce said she would or will she just live the rest of her life as a nuclear bomb?

                
Other things that annoyed me where the very unlikable little boy who from the second he popped up on screen I knew I would want to strangle. He just had to be the annoying little jerk who helps the down on his luck billionaire/superhero find his way. And he gets rewarded at the end of the film with a garage filled with goodies which is fine. But he even fixed the kids Mustang. What the hell is a 10 year old going to do with Mustang? The only time I was happy was when Tony Stark drove away from the kid and left him behind.

Your Dad left you cause you were incredibly annoying you brat.

                
I thought the story was threadbare interesting and borderline boring. The past comes back to haunt him and he has to figure it out. Thank God the film was only two hours.

                
But most annoying to me was just how noisy the film was. It seemed like every other scene was a brain-rattling, hearing destroying explosion a lot of the time for just blowing something up. I almost feel like the filmmakers put explosions into the film so it would distract people in the theater from how bad this movie was. Everything was just loud and I really still haven’t figured out why.

                
In the end I found this movie to be quite dull. When it was over most in the audience seemed to like it. I can’t help I didn’t find it all that interesting. I just didn’t. I did not enjoy watching Iron Man 3. Ironically, it is also the first film all year that I have not fallen asleep during. But one good thing did come out of watching the film. It reminded me how good The Avengers film was and I went back and watched that. Man that was a good film. I mean a REALLY good film.

                
And in case you were wondering I am looking forward to Star Trek and more so Fast and Furious 6: Return of the Lety. Hopefully Michelle Rodriguez survives this film.

"Can I make it through the first hour of the film and not die?"

***********************************

Okay. Okay. Okay. Before we go any further, I will admit that Iron Man / Tony Stark / Robert Downey, Jr. have a special squishy place in my heart because I have a soft spot for narcissistic assholes. I do. I dig the self-awareness and that over-the-top confidence that so few people can manage. And in this strange, wonderful world of fiction, the man can back his shit up. (Unlike most real life narcissists.)

My panties were wet even before this movie landed. I bought my marathon 4-movie extravaganza ticket and I went by myself even though all the lame-asses who said they wanted to go, backed out at the last minute. Luckily for me, I don't let solitude stop me from having fun. Some of the best times I've had have been alone...err....but that's fodder for another kind of post.

The first Iron Man started playing at about 1pm. As I have seen this film several hundred times by now, it wasn't any less entertaining or fun. The same can be said about Iron Man 2, and then the Avengers, which I got to see again in 3D, and loved every single moment of. The chemistry of the characters / actors on that film was flawless.

Then Iron Man 3 happened. Armed with my special edition Iron Patriot 3D glasses, I sat and quietly watched this movie.

And I waited for that awesome feeling of "WHOA" to wash over me...and waited....and waited...and waited. And then the credits rolled. And I waited for that extra scene that Marvel has been known for. And even after that, I sat in my seat as the Marvel logo flashed, a feeling of emptiness inside me. And then,

"Tony Stark will return..."

Okay. That one line, those four words, saved this entire franchise for me.

Let's get to the heart of the problem. I don't have an issue with RDJ. Seriously, who COULD have an issue with RDJ? The director, Shane Black, sucked massive donkey balls. I don't know why Jon Favreau didn't direct this film, but it was very obvious it wasn't one of his.The style and flavor of the first two Iron Man movies that fans have come to know and love where distinctly missing in the 3rd.

Sure, there was some great lines in there, along with Tony Stark's hilarious interaction with the kid. "No need to be a pussy about it" had me in tears, and "Because we have a connection" almost made me pee my pants! It just wasn't enough for me, though, to really love this movie.

I took into account that I had just sat through almost 8 hours of blockbuster Iron Man / Avenger awesomeness, and maybe my senses were overloaded and blown out by the time the feature presentation made it's way onto the screen. So, I paid to watch it again in regular Mortal Vision, and I still couldn't wrap my legs around this movie in a pleasurable way.

While the action sequences are indeed mind-blowing and over the top, they all just seemed too much. Too rushed. Too much happening at once. Too much to take in and appreciate. Too cluttered. I almost miss the measured hand Favreau used to season his movies with action bits. Shane Black who is also known for movie "greatness" such as "The Last Boy Scout", "The Long Kiss Goodnight", and "The Last Action Hero" has taken the ridiculousness of the Lethal Weapon franchise (which he is responsible for) and slapped it onto our beloved metal hero. Fuck this guy.

The dialogue in this film sounds as though it was aimed at middle schoolers. Gone is the witty, intelligent quips and banter Tony Stark is known for. It's been replaced with a dumbed-down version of lines that sound as though they were written in a high school drama class. It's a parody of what Iron Man should be. Guy Pearce, who usually makes a fantastic villain is almost overreaching in this film. It's probably because he was handed a shit script full of shitty lines and bad writing.

Pepper Pots, who is supposed to be running the company and suddenly turns into a red glowing badass at the climax, sinks right back into her whining and annoying, "Tooooooooony!!" voice whenever she can. WTF?! What the hell happened to the character development in this movie?

Don't even get me started on the fucking mess they made the Mandarin. I understand the reach for humor, but let's not forget that they used ACTUAL things that the Taliban records and sends out, to portray the savage nature of what the Mandarin is supposed to be. I don't think genocide or terrorism is funny, and neither did the first two Iron Man movies.

When the peak hit, I honestly had enough and was ready to go. The House Party protocol where every badass Iron Man suit comes to the rescue is diminished by the fact that these amazing feats of technological weaponry can easily be blown up and torn apart by some souped-up 'roid-raging bad guy...with their BARE hands.  Seriously? Am I supposed to believe that a genius billionaire built a series of suits that are riddled with weaknesses and performance issues? Not okay.

Do you know what happens when you have too much of awesome? It's just not that awesome anymore. I feel like Shane Black took my love the Iron Man, put it through a copy machine, and spit out some blurry, poorly replicated copies of what Iron Man should be.

Fuck you, Shane Black. I hope you never make another movie again. I'll be looking forward to The Avengers 2 to wash the bitter taste of this shiteous movie out of my mouth.

Robot Porn? No. More like the scrambled adult channel on bootleg cable.