Let me start this off right. Yes, I was born in ’78 and grew up with all those fantastic 80’s cartoons that people in my generation know and love. When this trend of bringing those cartoons to the modern day big screen started, I was excited. While my family and I did spend good money watching somemediocre Ninja Turtles dance in their live action movies, not once, but TWICE, I admit I had some misgivings. Would they pay homage to those 2D animation afternoons that I remember and love? Would they get the characters to look as closely to their cartoon images as they can using today’s technology? Would the voices be close enough? Would the stories make sense? We’re not just talking about a summer blockbuster here. We’re taking on some of our most cherished childhood memories, for Christ’s sake!!!
Well, then along came Transformers. This was not a favorite cartoon of mine. I’ll freely admit that from the get-go. If it was on, I’d watch it. If my next door neighbor Jimmy was over, we’d watch together even though I was happier watching Voltron, He-Man, or Thundercats.
Did I know of them and the characters? Yeah. Jimmy would borrow my He-Man figures and he’d leave a couple of Decepticons for me to play with until our next play date. I didn’t run out like everyone else did to watch the full-length feature film, and I was glad I didn’t when the little boys in my class came back to school that September after watching it in the summer of '86, crying about being sucker punched into witnessing the Death of Optimus Prime. Who does that to little kids? The 80’s did! Today, would they really get away with that in today’s sea of overprotective parents who strive to Purell the world before they send their kids out into it? I highly doubt it, but it was pretty a badass move and I respect the hell out of Transformers for taking such a crazy step. Here's a little movie tid-bit for you. Did you know that movie takes place during the year 2005? Ha! Who knew hair metal would meet it's demise before then?
Then along came Michael Bay. The trailers for the first movie looked mind blowing. The effects, the explosions, the detail of the Transformers looked amazing! I watched it. Ok, annoying Shia LaDouche playing the SAME character he’s played since he starred in Holes. Ok, sexy Megan Fox doing what she does- looking sexy, acting badly, and spending the entire movie with her mouth hanging slightly agape. Still, a decent movie with lots of robot eye-candy. Hence the term; Robot Porn.
Why do people watch porn? It’s not for the amazing plot. You’re watching to see something visually stimulating and to get off. If you want to get your action robot rocks off- you have Transformers- Robot Porn.
The movie is fast. The visuals are amazing, and it’s hard to determine where to look first. A CG buddy of mine, Jeff, actually explains to me that if you slow the movie down and watch the Transformers transform, you’ll see that each detailed move is exactly precise and accurate to how a real transformation would go down. It’s kind of cool knowing those little details because it’s the one GOOD thing I can say about this mess of a franchise.
What hasn’t been said about it? Can I pile on a few more digs at LaDouche? Sure I can but what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Same thing about Foxy. Sexy as hell, but she can’t seem to close her damn mouth or act her way out of a paper bag. The plot is weak. And if we want to get into Robot Porn 2, what can’t I tear apart? The ignorant use of “jive-talking” robots? Stupid testicle jokes “Stop sucking the sack!” “I’m directly below enemy scrotum.”
Seriously, guys? Someone sat in a room and decided that giving a giant robot a pair of balls would be HIGH-larious!
I’m not even going to TOUCH on Robot Porn 3. After the first 10 minutes, I couldn’t take the sound of my brain cells dying so I had to turn it off. Maybe one day I’ll be in bed, and it will come on cable, and I won’t be able to find the remote so I’ll be stuck watching it all the way through. (It’s happened.)
I understand the sanctity of childhood cartoon nostalgia. I respect the hell out of it. And I get it that so many people want to love something so very bad because it was such a wonderful memory to them while growing up. I even dated a DIE HARD Tranny fan while all this was happening so I could see firsthand the excitement a franchise like this can stir up for those who loved it so much.
Do you really want to pay homage to Transformers, Michael Bay? Invest in good writers because explosions won’t take the place of bad dialogue…..no matter how sexy your leading lady is. As a female who can appreciate the beauty of another female- that chick in the 3rd film just isn’t as hot as Foxy. Is Michael Bay an asshole in real life? Who knows? (Maybe Megan fox does.) But, I'll forever know him as the asshole who ruined Transformers.
Sorry. Just calling it as I see it.
By the way, I hear he's gotten his explosion-happy hand all over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and plans on shitting all over that childhood memory, too. I didn't think anyone could make them worse than they already did in 1990 (and subsequently in 1991. Does anyone else hear Ninja Rap playing in the background?) but I'm sure making them aliens from outer space is way better than sticking to the original cartoon. Michael Bay knows best, right?
It's all yours, J.
Movies are about escaping. I hate when people take movies so seriously that it causes their enjoyment of the movie to be dampened just because things are not “realistic”. Like we all become experts in physics and know all about how fast a spaceship should travel. Or we become experts at relationships and know how a character should be acting when they meet that person in the coffee shop “by accident”. Cause every movie with Sandra Bullock she “accidentally” runs into Keanu Reeves.
Some movies are more personal then others. Like many my age I grew up with the Transformers cartoon. The idea that robots could be cars, planes, dinosaurs, and then transform and have conversations was just mind-blowing to the 10 year old me. So when I heard that they would make a live action version of my childhood memories I was all for it. Unlike many people I did not have a problem with Michael Bay directing it. I have not seen a lot of his films and honestly the one I had seen, The Island, I really enjoyed.
Yes ENJOYED.
So I was excited knowing that my childhood was going to be on the big screen 20 years after I had first seen Optimus, Megatron, and friends on my TV. When it came out I was not looking for a story that made sense or deep plot. Just put them on the screen have them transform, then fight (robot on robot action), and then throw in a couple of lines from the cartoon so as not to alienate all us hardcore Transformer fans. My favorite was the iconic Megatron line, “You failed me yet again Starscream”. Anyway the first movie was the fulfillment of a dream I had as a 10 year old to see Transformers on the big screen.
The second film was by Bay’s own admission a horrible train wreck. The success of the first film meant they had to get a sequel out ASAP and it showed with a plot so awkward I am not even going to try and remember it. Not to mention one scene with a robot literally having balls. I was kind of embarrassed watching it to be honest. My brother put it best when referring to a scene in the movie where some Decepticons called the Destructicons (they were robot version of construction vehicles like cranes, ditch diggers, and cement mixers) were waiting in a giant mine pit. My brother said, “What we they doing while waiting for someone to show up? Were they actually building anything”? FYI my brothers hilarious. But it at least had more robot on robot action. Or as Chef Queenie would call it, “robot porn”. I will leave her to describe what she meant by that.
The third film was a probably the best film in the series plot wise and at least had the feel of a movie where the actions had consequences. Choices made by the characters left them with decisions that they couldn’t just run away from. And of all the movies it had the best actions sequences in the movie trilogy. Bay’s specialty is action and the final 40+ minute invasion of Chicago seen is on that starts at 80 miles an hour and doesn’t stop till the end. It really is a fun thing to see on the screen. And as always Optimus kicking robot ass is so good it never gets old.
Are they some of the best movies of all-time? Assuredly not today nor they ever will be. But for the 10 year old in me and millions of others it was a dream fulfilled on the screen. For those movies I was 10 years old again in my living room watching robots talk a weird language I don’t understand. That’s the magic of these movies for me. It was escaping to a time when I did not take things so seriously. It was just little me enjoying.
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