Robot P0rn: Movies I’m (Not) Looking Forward To

So most people put out a list of movies they cannot wait to see this summer.

Well I’m not one of those people. I’m strictly anti-establishment, with a side of anarchy mixed in. I’m from the wrong side of the tracks. Bellerose, New York which has virtually no

crime and I see maybe one cop car a year is one of the toughest hoods to grow up in all of New York City.

I’m kidding. I just got on a tangent and like usual I ran with it. Anyway, I really have very few movies that I am excited about seeing. I had gone through a movie drought for a good six or seven months since I saw The Dark Knight Rises which was pure epic Christopher Nolan goodness. Most recently the movies I have seen have been pure classics such as Hansel & Gretel, and Beautiful Creatures. I can promise most of those were not my choices. If I had my choice I would have seen none of them. I mean paying $15-$20 to see some of these movies is just beyond embarrassing. I understand the need for some of us to escape the drudgery of real life. That is why I use torrents and don’t pay for these crappy movies. Then at least if I the movies are bad the only thing I waste is time.

So instead of doing the normal list of movies I want to see that are coming out I’m doing a complete opposite and mentioning all the crappy movies I have seen that just will make me want to keep my wallet in my pocket because I would not want to shame the money in it by spending it on these horrible films. And in no particular order they are:

Jurassic Park 3D – One of the things I hate most is studios that do blatant money grabs using old films and wrapping them in a gimmick and charging me another $15 for it after I had seen it in the theaters already. I call this the George Lucas effect after the director who has shaken so many dollars out of you for the same Star Wars Films he made four decades ago. Well obviously George here has been talkin’ to his friend Steven and gotten him to buy into his system as Steven has seen fit to re-issue his 1994 film this time in 3D. Really Steve? 3D? Was it that necessary to take a good film and crap it up with 3D? At least the first Jurassic Park is a very good film and doesn’t need to be ‘added to’. And really what is 3D going to add? The dinosaurs already look cool and you don’t need to make them stand out anymore than they already do. In the end do not support this film because Steven Spielberg does not need another jillion dollars. Do not enable people like him to keep taking your money from you by going to see his films over and over in the theaters.

I've been gone 200 million years but Steven brings me back to make him money.

Oblivion/After Earth – I’m not the biggest fan of superstar movies. I cannot think off the top of my head of a film with a superstar actor that I have actually gone to see and enjoyed. Needless to say I always enjoy watching the 17 previews before a movie almost as much as the movie itself. And I can say these two have been beaten into my head like crazy the last couple of months. And I don’t like anything I see. Tom Cruise I have just never liked. Maybe I have an underlying dislike for Scientology but I just never like any of his films. Just never does anything for me. And ever preview for his films always has him screaming at someone. Go take a look and see what I’m talking about. Anyway this looks like the usual “world apocalypse but there is a resistance/movement/people who have been wronged and we have to find out the truth” film that every movie company cranks out every year. And this leads me to the latest Will Smith film that is a vehicle for getting his son over as a movie star. Kid I would rather listen to Willow whip her hair back and forth then have you wander around Earth looking for band aids for your dad. Will seriously you do not need to exploit your kids and make them act and sing. Listen the Karate Kid was bad enough. Stop forcing your son down our throats.

I'M YELLING FOR NO REASON!

The Hangover Part III – Cannot stand these films. I just think they are so the opposite of funny. I remember going to see the last Hangover film and I went with a bunch of people who know I’m half-Chinese. So they had the need after the film and several times after when I saw them to say to me “Toodaloo Motherfu*ka” over and over. The stories are so boring and they just do gross stuff for no reason other than shock value. If you wanted to shock me then put out a funny movie.

Glad to know us Asians have moved beyond stereotypes.

The Host – Guess I shouldn’t have too much against this film since it is obviously not being aimed at my demographic. But they just recycle the same story of obstacle put between a girl and boy that is supernatural and then stretch it out over four films. This time it is aliens. Last time it was vampires (Twlight), and witches (Beautiful Creatures). Next time it will be super-intelligent dolphins who flood the world and kill most of the world’s population. Nah nobody would ever put out that movie. But I’ve been watching this preview over the last several films I’ve gone to and can’t shake this feeling that they might come out with a sequel for it. Maybe they can have Imagine Dragons do songs for the future films just like Linkin Park did for the Transformers series of films.

The Man of Steel – Even with Christopher Nolan attached as executive producer and Zach Snyder directing I really have less then zero interest in seeing this film. The only part I am interested in is the teaser after the credits that are rumored to be the jump off for the future Justice League film. It would be a similar teaser that was in the first Iron Man film where Nick Fury came out and mentioned the Avengers for the first time. My problem is I do not see how a Justice League film could ever be made that could be as good as the Avengers film that Joss Whedon cranked out last year. If anything Justice League would collapse under the weight of its own expectations and that would sadden me since I am a hardcore JL fan. But this film to me just doesn’t have the catch that hooks me like the most recent Batman trilogy had. First of all the villain is General Zod who has already been in a Superman film so its more of the same. Now if they told me that the villain was Doomsday (which was done really well in the Smallville TV show on a TV budget) that would be awesome since Doomsday is one of the few foes who could go toe-to-toe with Superman and match him physically. And it would just be cool to see Superman and Doomsday beating the crap out of each other punching each other through buildings and such. The film just seems bland despite the talent developing the film.

"Um, does anyone want to stop Superman from robbing our bank?"

The Wolverine – I just hate how anything comic book related gets made. Almost all comic movies are crappy, and even worse is that the films are bad and then they make SEQUELS to them. The Wolverine being a great example of this misguided phenomenon. The first film was so bad I downloaded it and after the first five minutes of watching it I actually shut it off and deleted it from my hard drive. It was so bad I didn’t even watch a free copy. There was no reason to make another film and yet here we are with this wonderful comic exploitation film. I just wish that instead of cranking out bad comic films that people in charge would take care to understand the source material before putting out second class films with bad stories and computer graphics that look fake. But thanks to the few successful comic films I realize that will never happen. So I guess I will have another Ghost Rider film to look forward too.

Anyway those are films I will be trying to avoid. If I’m asked to go I will probably catch one or two of those I won’t lie. But if I can I will probably avoid them all together and just download them when the blu-ray copies are put online a couple of months after they are released in theaters.

I did want to mention one film I am excited about which is Pacific Rim. This is a film directed by Guillermo Del Toro who just doesn’t make bad films. And this film is about something all grown men like and that is giant Gundam-like mechs fighting giant Godzilla-like monsters. Actually it’s a combination of two genres and I cannot be more excited for it. One reason is because Del Toro is probably the finest creature designer currently working in films today. His work in Pan’s Labyrinth, and Hellboy is just other-worldly in its beauty. And now he gets to design robotic mech suits as well. It’s a simple concept of robots fighting monsters that so many directors mess up because it is so easy to be lazy and just have them fight. But Del Toro will make every fight mean something. Make every creature attack mean something. Make every scene mean something cause he is one of those directors who is a fan and directs almost as if he is catering to the fans. He knows if you are not invested in the characters what is the point of having them fight. He is one of the masters of his craft and a concept as simple as this film he will make mean something because that is an ability he has. For sure when this movie comes out I will for sure be at my local theater checking this film out.