Dating Is Easy For About 30 Seconds

                We all have those horror stories. All are variations on the same story.  Friends saying let’s get together there is someone I would like you to meet. Or you go to a friend’s birthday and you see someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Either way, you go through that awkward feeling out process and then proceed to
the part where you want a first date with said person. That is what this blog is about.

                Much like one of our previous blogs about dining etiquette this blog is about what we feel are the do’s and don’ts of the beginnings of a possible relationship. More specifically this blog is about the things that happen on those first series of dates with a person who you don’t know if you are going to be serious about. It is the first few steps as you feel out where a relationship is going/could go in the future. These are unwritten rules which I felt should be followed if you hope to have any hopes of a future relationship with said person. Now obviously I will be writing from my perspective of a man who has been going out with the same woman for the last 18 months. But obviously all these rules are interchangeable no matter who you have a dating preference for (boy-boy, girl-girl, boy-girl, Presbyterian-Muslim, have a job-don’t have a job, etc). I feel like these are dating stereotypes that should be followed no matter what.

                Before I go on I was told by my girlfriend that this should not be a “hit piece” where I just basically write about us. Obviously most of this will be written about experiences I have gone through and, truth is I have been with her longer then I have ever been with anyone else. So much of it will seem autobiographical to her. But in the end this would not be much of a blog if I didn’t put in personal stuff. And I promise not to drag you through the dirt girfriend. And if I say anything bad I’m sure I can apologize it away later. If not I’ll just bribe you with Red Mango.

                Now without further ado…

1.       Guys must pay for everything at the beginning – Listen fellas, chances are the woman you are going out with has gone out with someone before you. And chances are you are trying to impress this woman so that you can see her again. The first cardinal sin of dating is to NOT COME OFF CHEAPER THEN THE GUY BEFORE YOU. I understand money is tight out there. As I have been told at work by my co-workers, “the struggle is real”. But if you are going on a first date you have to pay for everything. If you can’t even pay for the first date why would any girl think you are worth date #2? You should want to impress right off the bat. Don’t pick something so far out of you price range that on the second date she expects just as much or greater. Going out to eat is the classic never fails first date. You should make it a point to go somewhere else as you don’t want to end a date after just food. Somewhere social like a bar or maybe a coffee bar is a good place. The conversation can continue. The old axiom of dinner and a movie is no good here guys. Any momentum gained from dinner will be lost if you go into a theater and cannot talk for two hours. Also from the other end it’s nice when the girl offers to pay. This is more important than actually paying. What I want more then anything at the beginning is the act of OFFERING TO PAY for the date. Once you do that I learn a lot about the person I’m with. It means they understand that times are tough and money doesn’t grow on trees. And that maybe down the road if things go well the tab will balance out in the future. In the end the guy should pay more but I’m all for women paying their share.  Just not at the beginning. At the start it’s all on the fellas.

That's what you get for going to see a Channing Tatum movie.

2.       Be decisive on your first few dates – A lady will be easily impressed if you have a date properly laid out before she meets you. Women want to see that you are organized and are decisive in your decisions. Especially on the first date. There is NO EXCUSE for not knowing what you are going to do on the first couple of dates. Yes you can change it a little as you go. Instead of coffee, you get a cupcake. Instead of a beer, you get a coffee. But for the most part you should know what you are doing way before you ever show up for a date. And with all these options available on the internet about things to do and where to go you have no excuse. If she is having a good time with you and then she says, “what’s next?” and you say, “Um I don’t know?” you have just lowered your chances for another date pretty considerably. Always have another option in your back pocket ready to go in case she wants to spend more time with you. After all that should be your goal as well. And if funds are tight there is nothing wrong with a walk. Seriously you don’t have to spend everything in the first couple of dates. A coffee and a walk is ok. Heck you could walk into some shops and let her tell you what she likes. She will like you want to be engaged in things that interest her.

So...read any good manga lately?

3.       Be decisive when eating out – Kind of an extension of the previous point but pretty important it warrants its own description. Eating out is one of the simplest yet most difficult things to get right at the beginning. You need to show that you can treat her right and food is universal as far as being able to display that you can treat her right. The biggest mistake you can make is pricing yourself out of a relationship. An example of this is taking her to eat at Blue Smoke on a first date and then on the second date taking her to Chipotle. You can’t go from the penthouse to the outhouse. That is a very big drop in price from the first date to the second date. She would probably wonder if this guy is just lying about his funds and is trying to impress her right off the bat. Yes you want to impress her but you should want to paint a complete portrait of yourself and you can’t do that if you are lying about your finances. And if they see you spend $100 on the first date but then $20 on the second they are probably going to think something is up. Make sure you pick a restaurant that isn’t too expensive but isn’t a hole in Manhattan either. Sit down is ideal that is not too noisy, because you want to be able to talk and learn more about her. Just a personal story about the author where I was decisive and it turned out hilariously backwards. When I was wooing my current lady I remembered she said she was vegetarian at the time. So I knew of a great place called Red Bamboo in the village I could take her to. She appreciated I remembered she was a vegetarian and that won me great brownie points. So we head down to the village and go and we eat and she loves it. Little did I know I took her to the vegetarian restaurant next door and not Red Bamboo as I intended. I sat on that nugget for about 6 months till I took her to the real Red Bamboo after admitting to her that I took her to the wrong place the first time. But that is one of those funny stories that her and I laugh about when we think about it.

So all you could afford is this one drink and no food?

4.       Everything she says is opposite – Probably the most important thing you can know about her is that everything she says is always the opposite of what she really means. For example you take her out to meet your people at a bar and she all of a sudden becomes quite as opposed to when you had just gotten food where she was all engaged and cheery. You ask her if everything is alright and she gives you a half-hearted yep. Immediately your radar should go up and understand that you have just messed up. She probably wanted to spend more time just getting to know you before meeting your friends. Or maybe she wanted to just sit down with you and eat and you decide to drag her to the bar. You ask her is that cool and she says, “Yeah that’s ok”. Anytime you get a “yeah” for anything chances are she isn’t feeling it. These are perilous times during the first few dates so you have to be on constant guard for how she reacts to your suggestions. It might not be your fault because you don’t know that maybe she doesn’t like bars because her ex was a drunk. But you have to understand she expects you to know when she says one thing she often means the other. Sadly that puts us behind the eight ball in that we are expected to know things we have not learned yet. But you have to be able to pick up on these cues that she gives you. If you do it means you are in tune with her and her way of thinking. And she will appreciate you can accept her and her backwardness. Cause in the end girls will always be able to talk opposite and get away with it. Guys you would never be able to pull this off.

So that is all I’ve got. I can’t promise you any of these points are going to actually work when you go on a first date. Reality is they change according to situation. But I find that these seem to be universal truths when it comes to dating. In the end I think the most important thing you can do is PAY ATTENTION to the person you are dating. That in the end is the one thing that we all would like. 

Anyway I have got to run because I have to go apologize to the gf about the last thing I did wrong. Something about forgetting an anniversary or something. Geez I missed this one I’ll just make it up next year during the next one. 

Hands, touchin' hands, Reachin' out, touchin' me, touchin' you

************************************

You know what? I'm not one to seek out the vulgarity of the English language (as you all well know), but how about a big old FUCK YOU to dating? Yeah, I said it. It's about that time again where stupid red hearts and insipid greeting cards litter the aisles of your local drug stores. You know what happens to all those cheap stuffed animals and tacky fake roses? They end up in a landfill underneath last week's shitty diapers and discarded tampons. A fitting demise for trite tokens of affection. You want to impress a woman? You need to give/show her something she has never had/seen before. And the older she is; well, good luck with that. You can get away with cheap candy and flowers with a teenager who has never had anything more than an M&M Valentine slipped in their desk during recess, but try that shit out on a real woman and you may as well pack your bags, you cheap bastards.

I fucking hate dating. It sucks massive, infected donkey balls. The only thing worse than dating is probably the female circumcision. Once you're past a certain age, the age-old ritual of courtship loses all the luster it had when you were in your teens and twenties. It's not fun trying to make your body look as appealing as someone else in their prime. It's hard to make yourself pretend that the stranger sitting in front of you is not going to take your tender little feelings and crush it beneath a steel-toed boot as they are walking out of your life into the arms of someone younger, prettier, or smarter. Such are the facts, people. Let's just embrace them. 

Instead of doing a list of rules, as J has already done, I'm just going to tell you about the last 3 "dates" I've had. Of course, names and/or locations have been changed to protect the douche bags, liars, and assholes. (Not that they deserve the courtesy, but they'll get it anyway. Because I'm a mother fucking lady, dammit!)

"Comic King"

He is getting this moniker because of the field he works in. The man is successful, affluent, intelligent, and incredibly appealing. I didn't know how high he was on the ladder of literary graphic arts. I just thought he was a nice older gentleman who liked my cute picture on OKC and decided to try and give me a shout out. He mentioned some of the things I enjoyed (all described on my profile), and he immediately appealed to me because he actually read my profile instead of just shooting me a "hello" or even worse- a picture of his junk. (Yes, men still do that, bless their little balls.) We bantered back and forth online, and I knew I wanted to meet him. I picked the spot, and he was there- on time. I was almost there on time, but it was nice to see that he was actually the man pictured on his profile. Not only that, but he was charming and so funny. He bought all the drinks that night. When I offered to pick up a few rounds, he replied, "I do very well for myself, Katherine. And this is a first date. Any man who can't pick up the tab on the first date should not be dating." Well, hello there, you rare breed of gentlemen! He walked me to the subway, and he got a sexy kiss goodnight. It was a great date. He followed up with daily texts, and even patiently waited for me to get over a mini-flu before we went out on our 2nd date. The 2nd date went a little further than I had originally intended, but ever the gentleman, he followed up with perfect morning manners and daily texts and a request for the next date. Magical Date #3 rolled around, and my Comic King was completely a different man. What appealed so much to me was how humble he was about his success in his career. It wasn't until three weeks into our courtship did I even bother to look him up, and imagine my surprise to find out exactly who it was I had been sipping beers with. He was a HUGE somebody in his field, and he was completely down to earth about the whole thing. I liked that. I don't know who opened the door on Date #3 because I spent the night with the most obnoxious, egotistical, elitist asshole in Brooklyn! He asked me if I told my friends about him. He asked if they knew about "us". When I said it seemed a little soon for all that, he asked when I would tell them. Tell them what, exactly? When I quipped, "Would you like me to send out a tweet announcing that I'm gonna [word removed] The "Comic King" [phrase changed - it's a phrase he's well known by online]" he said to me, "Well, aren't you, though?" The rest of the night went even further downhill, if that was even possible. I was told I was just another "baby" to him- (any beautiful woman younger than him) and, I should know that there have been "many". Okay, even if you are the biggest man-whore in the world, WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO A NAKED WOMAN IN THEIR BED??? If you think that this "successful, affluent, intelligent and incredibly appealing" man couldn't be an even BIGGER jackass; MID-COITUS he tells me that he loves the things I say to him "even though it's insipid". Did this mother fucker just call me insipid while I was riding him like fucking Seabiscuit?

I have been known to lose my temper rather quickly in all my past relationships. I had really liked this guy...on the first TWO dates. Was I overreacting to his extreme brand of humor or did I have legitimate gripes about sheer rudeness? I left in the morning, wondering if I should chew him out right there on Carroll Street or if I should cool down and think about it. My gut wanted to sucker punch him in the nuts while he slept, but my head told me to think on it a bit before overreacting. I did think on it. Three days. For three days the fact that he called me insipid rattled around in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I wished I sucker punched him in the nuts while he was sleeping. He had been texting me on and off during those three days. When I finally couldn't take it anymore and the opportunity presented itself, I sent out this lovely text:

"Night, babe! (And I don't care if you think that's insipid. That's what I like to call you. But if you ever call me insipid again while I'm in the middle of [word removed] you, I can't guarantee your safety.) Sweet dreams. ;-*"

I did fess up to J that I sent this nastygram, and to his credit, J told me straight out that it was very extreme and I have a way of sending out texts without thinking about how the other person may perceive them. Was I kidding? Did I expect him to take it as a joke? Did I want an apology? I don't know. It sucks because I really did like him, but that 3rd date was a dream-killer. He wasn't perfect. He wasn't as nice as I thought he was. Once that "first impression" facade fell to the wayside, I wasn't too keen on the face staring back up at me. Needless to say, we are no longer dating. 

Fare thee well, Comic King! You're a fucking douche bag and I hope the next "baby" you bed gives you the herp.

"Tribeca"

Tribeca is being  called that because he is a baller. When I say "baller", I mean that his man lives the NYC lifestyle in the way television shows and movies like to make it seem like successful men live the NYC lifestyle. He's young (36 years old), very successful in his financial career, and doesn't have have a problem enjoying the fruits of his labor. I received a short message from Tribeca and after a brief exchange of words, I decided to go out with him. We didn't have much in common at all, but he was so well spoken, I really liked reading what he would send me. He was witty and smart. When I finally met him, he gave me a hug and he was so much better looking than his pictures showed. His table manners were exquisite. He picked a trendy spot in Tribeca to meet, which was not far from his apartment. I took it slow with the alcohol, and after an hour of conversation, we both decided we liked each other enough to share a meal together. (This is where Comic King failed. Three dates with that mofo and the only food I got out of him was a banana on my way out of his place after Date #2.) What Tribeca and I lacked in common interests and hobbies, we more than made up for in our love of food. He ordered a bunch of dishes to share and we cleaned our plates. Watching him wield his utensils and maneuver food from the serving plates, to our plates, and then to his mouth or mine is like watching a conductor lead the NY Philharmonic. His grace with his utensils is nearing an art form. When that weird time came for the bill, he put down his credit card without even glancing at it. Wow. We went to another bar after for one more drink, and we discovered what awesome chemistry we had. He paid there, too. I offered, but he wouldn't have it. When our date was coming to an end, the sexual tension between us was unbearable. He did invite me to sleep over. His apartment happened to be across the street from my office building, and how cool would it have been to roll out of bed an actually get to work early? But, learning my lesson this time around, I went home. (Still a lady, right?) He walked me to the subway and gave me a very chaste kiss goodbye. I can't stress how strange that experience was. We didn't have much to talk about. We asked the obligatory questions back and forth, but I knew deep down inside that we would grow very bored of one another rather quickly. Then, that awesome sexual chemistry kicked in and I was essentially whoring it up right on West Broadway while I was making out with him. Very unladylike. I don't suggest anyone do that...especially when you work 3 blocks away. Anyway, trying to get the sexual fog to lift, I waited a week and change before I agreed to see him again. He met me after work and we went bar hopping within the neighborhood. We went low-key, and he did let me buy him a round at the second bar we stopped at. He made it clear he was very uncomfortable with that. We ended up eating at a pub, where the food was not as good at the first place he took me to on our first date, but we were having so much fun I wasn't thinking about how many Yelp stars this place had compared to the first. I just wanted to spend more time with him. (It's not always about the money, guys!) And we had fun critiquing the poorly executed pub food as if we were eating at some swanky 5-star joint. All in good fun. When he invited me up to his place (Yes, I know this was the 2nd date...again!) I agreed to go, but made it clear what I wasn't going to do with him. He said he was fine with that. 

Here's where Tribeca gets weird. He lives in a very nice place in the neighborhood. It's one of those buildings where you would have to promise them your first born before you can even look at an apartment to lease. It's built like a modern hotel instead of a residency. The doorman said hello to us when we came in. Tribeca commented that he had a great doorman because he didn't say his name in front of me; you know- in case he gave me a fake name! (He said he didn't give me a fake name, but who really knows at this point?) When I got inside his BEAUTIFUL apartment, there were many things amiss. He was pet-sitting a dog for a "friend" who was psychotically attached to him. This Little Bitch would not warm up to me if I came anywhere near Tribeca. There was a small purple toothbrush in his bathroom. Who did that belong to? The "hold the fucking press" moment came when I saw wedding photos in his bedroom. Not just a 5x7 or collage; we're talking an 8x10 glossy black and white!!! He was in it with a gorgeous blonde. He said it was his sister. Ok, let's say it was really his sister. Who keeps an 8x10 of them and their sister in a wedding dress in their BEDROOM...like three feet away from their bed? How many of you guys want to see a picture of your sister when you first wake up in the morning? Seriously, what the fuck is up with all these dudes who act like their sister is their "other" girlfriend? When it was time for me to go home, he offered to drive me. He just needed to call down to have the garage dig his car out. When I politely refused his offer, he offered me his car service which he had on retainer. Again, I declined. Not all women try to take advantage of a good situation. And I appreciated him still acting like a complete gentleman even though I didn't give up the kitty. Although he didn't really do anything wrong, there were just too many small things that sent my red flags up. Then there's the fact that we don't have any interests in common. He still texts me from time to time to flirt, but I know that we won't have a solid future with one another. No harm, no foul.

Richard or Robert or Rick or Whatever the Fuck Your Name Was

This is just some random guy who asked me out and I agreed to see just because I was a little bored. I don't remember anything remarkable about him. He was probably cute enough. He spent most of the dinner telling me how beautiful I was and how young I looked. A compliment or two is nice, but if you lay it on any thicker than that, you weird out your date, fellas! I was weirded out. It's one thing to hint that you're attracted to your date; it's a totally different thing to practically drool at your date from across the table. Desperation is not a nice scent on anyone. It not only turned me completely off, but it made me grow bored. I stopped paying attention to him halfway through, and I ended up staring at the table of gorgeous men sitting behind him. To this day, I don't remember exactly what the hell his name was and I don't even care enough to look it up. NEXT!

Dating has its highs and lows, I suppose. When I'm gelling well with someone, I admit that my dopamine levels are reaching Ecstasy-like highs. But, it's a lot of hard work and wasted time on people who, for the most part, all end up being less than what they present themselves to be. I'm not going to throw up some meme, shouting the awesomeness of being Single. It's not awesome all the time. It sucks hanging out with other couples. It sucks not getting invited to couple-dates. And being the odd one out in the group is never fun. But, there are times when I watch my coupled-up friends fall into a rut with zero to minimal romance, and I know that my next adventure will include a honeymoon phase; something that a lot of long-term couples have long since forgotten. I watch married couples who no longer try to look appealing to their mates and I realize this is why I have so many married men hitting on me. (I don't hit back, in case you were wondering.) Wedding Rings in general scare the shit out of me. It's going to take one awesome bastard to make me go down that aisle again. 

What is the perfect formula for flawless dating? 

25% Manners 
25% Physical Attraction 
25% Financial Stability 
25% Swagger 

Yeah, swagger. I'm one of those women who like a little narcissism in my potential mate. Self awareness of one's worth is very attractive to me. There's a fine line between sexy confidence and obnoxious arrogance. Not many people know when the limit has been reached. Do you hear that, Comic King, you fucking jackass?

The bottom line is this: I've learned that the fine art of courtship is a skill that needs to be practiced. You are not going to meet your potential soul mate sitting at home, watching the crap in your DVR, eating ice cream straight out of the tub....(Not that I do that or anything.....Don't Judge!) You need to put yourself out there so you can meet people- LOTS OF PEOPLE. And you need to practice how to interact with those people. Can you carry a conversation when the other party is not a big contributor? Can you diffuse an awkward situation with grace and charm or are you the cause of it? Can you recognize another nervous person sitting across from you, and manage to put their mind at ease? I can do these things. I wasn't able to three years ago, but going out more, meeting many different types of people, and stopping myself from walking out at the drop of a hat has helped me practice my people skills. Regardless whether you are sharing time with a potential lover or a potential employer, you still have to know how to conduct yourself the best way you know how. What you present to the world is a representation of you as a person; in private and in public.

I've haven't found THE ONE yet. But, I've dated many, made a lot of new friends, and managed to help a couple of people out. At the end of the day, it's not a bad way to have spent my time.

It's okay to compromise. It's NOT okay to settle. Know the difference between the two.