Check, Please!

You're out to dinner with another person. The check comes and you both blankly stare at it. Who pays the bill? Here are a couple of scenarios and how I've dealt with it.

The First Date
You're finally out sharing a meal with someone. It's kind of a hook-up. It's kind of a date. Either way, there is potential for some horizontal time with this someone special. Whether he is Mr. Right or Mr. Right-Now, this is a date. Make no mistake. It's a date. As a female who has always had a job and been fairly
independent, I almost always offer to pay my share or at least the tip. I always offer, without fail. 90% of the time, a gentleman will always foot the bill. And to be honest, a man who takes my money on the first meal together is not someone who I will likely share a meal with again. 

Ladies, even though I am agreeing to an old-fashioned kind of view on dating and paying, this doesn't mean to start getting greedy! Do not order the most expensive thing you find on the menu. Take it easy with the drinks, and don't order a second or third if he's not doing so.  I don't expect you to order water and a salad and starve the rest of the evening, but don't be a glutton ordering appetizers, the filet mignon, a decadent dessert along with a pricey bottle of wine. You ARE giving the wrong impression. A man who pays for all that without blinking thinks he's doing so with more than a goodnight kiss coming his way at the end of the evening. Piggish? Yes, but you know damn well they think that way. It's just the way it is; right or wrong. Be reasonable, and don't be a gold-digging bitch! Men who pay for dinner are a rare breed these days!! And you moochers are scaring them off!! 

What is the proper etiquette if they pay the bill and the night isn't over? If you're going for drinks, insist on buying him a round. If you're going for coffee and dessert somewhere else, insist on picking up the tab for that. Many women disagree with me on this point, but, like I said, I'm used to paying my own way most of the time and at the end of the night, I don't want to feel obligated into giving my date anything more than a friendly handshake or a hi-five (if I'm just not feeling him like that) just because he paid for dinner. I think these days, a guy will appreciate a lady trying to kick in a few bucks. Times are hard, the economy is bad, and if you think a dude will pay every time, all the time; then your relationship will be short-lived. 

I hang out with a lot of guys. You don't know how many times they will drop a chick because she didn't offer ANYTHING in the way of gratitude after he just spend two-days pay on a fancy dinner. "She didn't even offer to leave the tip!!!!" That's the most popular reason I've heard of a dude not calling a girl back. And keep this in mind; there are still many men out there who won't allow you to pay a dime! (It's true! I've been out on a couple of dates with these rarities.) They're a little old fashioned, and they can't stomach their pride being poked if anyone happens to see a their date pulling out her wallet. However, they do appreciate a woman offering, and when you say 'thank you' (which I'm assuming you women are doing with a sincere smile on your face) please mean it. 

When you are offering to pay, split, tip, etc...DON'T BLUFF. You better have the cash or credit to do it. Sometimes a guy will call you out on it and let you do it just to see if you can, and how embarrassed would you be if you got caught on a B week? 

Yes, we are modern and times have changed. But, for many of us, the free ride is over.

The Relationship
So, the first date is over and now you and your date are going on several outtings where money will have to be spent. Who pays? Whether it's the corner diner for brunch or the Blue Water Grill for the anniversary, who pays? This is a tough one. Not many people are matched with their financial equal. What does that mean? It means that someone will always make a little more than someone else. But, don't just look at a tax return to determine who pulls out their wallet. Think about living arrangements. Does your date rent/own his own place, make car payments, pets, kids, etc??? Maybe you make a little less but your cost of living is way below his or hers? There are a few ways to handle this.

BEFORE you go out, have enough money on hand to cover yourself. Seriously, don't order half the menu and then stare blindly at your honey when the bill comes. My ex-husband used to do that to me; "Let's meet for dinner, boo!" Ok, and we do and we eat and the check arrives and I used to look at him. He'd go, "Babe, you know it's not pay day! I don't have it." Fucker. (One of the many reasons I toasted my divorce.) 

Since then, I've dated a man who NEVER let me pay. And I've dated a man who paid when we went to the diner, but sort of let the check slide towards me if we were doing cloth-napkin dining. We would take turns to pay, and for some reason, whenever it was my turn, we always ended up at a swankier place than we were at the last time he paid. And my sinful pride would never let me admit to him that the shrimp cocktail, filet mignon, pinot noir, and apple crisp he just scarfed down just wiped out my balance for the next two weeks until my next paycheck. Admittedly, I like fancy food and I felt more comfortable suggesting a nicer place to eat BECAUSE I knew it was my turn, but I'm not gonna lie. It was a little annoying after a while since he made twice what I did. But, here are the other factors I'm talking about: Where did we hang out? HIS place. What did we use to get around? HIS car. Sometimes, I felt like paying for the fancy dinner sort of counted as me doing my part to contribute to the relationship. And after an argument about it, he was more aware of how I felt, and eventually the dinner check became less of an uncomfortable issue after we hammered out the situation.

I've heard of couples who split everything down the middle, down to the penny. I've heard of couples where the man always paid for dinner out, but his partner always paid for groceries and household supplies, and they figured it always evened out at the end of the month anyway. And I've heard of couples who always fought about it before heading out to dinner with either one, the other, or both ending up taking care of the bill at the end of the night...every time they went out. YIKES!

When it comes to relationships, I guess you'll save a lot of bickering if you both talk about what each person is comfortable with. I have a girlfriend who almost always pays when they eat out. Her girlfriend is Vegan and barely orders anything wherever they go, and she is normal and can eat anything. She pays because her girlfriend sort of just accompanies her. There are a lot of scenarios, and if you're uptight about money, than I suggest you make sure you have enough to pay for yourself, and if worse comes to worse just insist on going Dutch. Romantic? Not really, but at least there are not hard feelings when it's all said and done.

The Communal Dinner
Who hasn't been to some big feast with 5 or more people sharing a meal? Appetizers are ordered and shared. Side dishes are passed around for everyone to taste. Bottles of wine are poured and passed. And the huge dessert platter comes out at the end of the night. So, now the bill comes, and you have that ONE person who says, "Well, I just ordered the chicken, so this $20 should cover it...." 

Look, that shit isn't gonna fly. Did your fork stab into the stuffed mushroom app that was passed around? Did you drink from the bottle of wine that was ordered for the table? Did you dip your spoon into the last melted pool of chocolate gelato? Guess what, asshole? We're splitting the bill between ALL of us (TAX and TIP) and you're going to pay your share- whether you ordered the dinner salad or the steak- It's got to be split even. 

Yes, and if you are the schmuck who got the dinner salad while your buddies all ordered the porterhouse, that sucks for you. Next time, find something comparable to what the rest of the table is getting. It's an unspoken rule when a group dines out- don't think you can itemize your bill. Most restaurants won't issue individual bills to everyone. And while you're tabulating how much your Dr. Pepper, Chicken Breast, and side of Cajun fries cost- more than likely you're leaving out the tax and the tip. So, this is not acceptable. If you know for a fact that your order is not going to come close to what everyone else is getting and you have no intention in partaking in any of the shared dishes- let everyone know before you all order. Yes, you will get stared at and people will talk about you when you get up to take a piss, but at least you won't be kicking in another $40 for a steak you didn't eat or wine you didn't drink.

The Friendship Meal (Small Group)
Small friendly meals means 4 or fewer people. At this time, the bill won't be so outrageous that you can't look and see what you got and pay for it accordingly. However, don't be the jerk who orders 3 drinks, an appetizer, the salmon, and a dessert and espresso, while you buddy just ordered an app because she wasn't that hungry- and then think you're going to split the bill down the middle. Either you guys can figure out who ordered what and pay for that, or you can try to split it evenly. If you know your friend ended up paying a little bit more because you wanted extra whipped cream in your hot cocoa or you needed that side of mac n cheese to go with your chicken fried steak, then be a sport and buy him/her a drink later. In short- DON'T BE A DICK. Nobody wants to share a meal with a dick. Trust me on this.

Bar Tabs
Oh, I am a bitter little bitch about this one! I have slapped down my credit card and ID at bars more times than I wish to remember, and I've been burned more than once BY THE SAME PERSON!!! I will not mention names, but when it's YOUR card at the bar, know that people will freely order more shots and ask for more vodka in their cocktail because they don't have to worry about the bill until you tell them how much they have to kick in. Bars are notorious for not keeping track of what was ordered. A fun night that started with a round of shots among friends can quickly turn into a $250 bar tab when the sauce has been spread. And don't be the unlucky bitch who had a bunch of broke-ass friends slip her a couple of $20's for "their" share. Guess what??? It wasn't enough to cover it! Now the bar is charging YOUR card for those 5 shots your friend took and the 3 shots she "bought" for other people and the 4 Grey Goose vodka cranberries with "more vodka because she couldn't taste it". Don't start a tab with someone else unless you know for a fact that this fucker can pay their share. Learn from my mistakes, people!!

In conclusion, there is no greater joy than breaking bread with someone special or amongst friends. It can be a painless experience that will evoke warm memories, or it can be a bitter little pill that will pain you every time you think about it. I'm still notoriously quick to pull out my wallet because that weird, uncomfortable elephant in the room makes me queasy when the bill comes and the vibe is unclear. When in doubt, ASK it out. 

Talk. Ask. Suggest. At the end of the night, BE FAIR. I've been at the end of the spectrum where someone ate with me, and never bothered to tell me they didn't have enough to cover their share. And I've had friends go, "Let me hit an ATM and I'll get it back to you...." only to have them forget to hit any of the ATMs we passed later on in the evening. It sucks. Do you know what I do in those cases? I write off the cash as a lesson that cost me, and I don't break bread with those folks again. They may have scammed a free meal out of me, but they will never get me to sit across a table from them again. And, that's their loss. Fuckers.

 Wow.

 Umm….

Yeah. That was pretty….forceful? I know that Queenie had a lot to say about the subject since her and I talk about this all the time when we go out to eat. Should have figured you would go to town on this one. Its something she is really, REALLY passionate in her beliefs on paying a check. I guess that is why her, and I agree on much of what we feel is the proper check picking up etiquette. I’m just going to add a couple of my thoughts on the whole idea.

First is I am a traditionalist but also a realist. I was brought up that if you ask a lady out you pay for ANY meal you ask her to accompany you too. The first meal it goes without saying you are paying for. Cause any lady can get any guy to take them out to eat. Women just have that power. But I am a gentleman and if you are going to let me escort you to the local Red Mango, I will be paying for your $7 yogurt with moochi, pineapple, and snickers bar toppings.

Having said that I also live in the world of 2012 where when I take my girl to Chipotle I am spending $20 on what two burritos and a soda (FYI Chipotle is not fast food people. I don’t spend $20 on fast food). That is not drop in the bucket money people. Add $5 dollars to that and you can get an entire meal at the diner. But my point in saying that is tradition has been pushed out of the way by this crappy economy. Nobody has been spared by these hard times and the reality is, while I want to be a gentleman and pay, I cannot afford to do that all the time.

In the end I feel like if you go out with a person more then one time it should not be this lopsided scenario where the guy pays for everything and the girl doesn’t do her part. I always like to say I am a person who has no biases. I really believe that we all should be equal in every single arena of life. If you’re gay that’s cool. You’re Atheist whatever. You date men, women, frogs, Transformers, Pillow Pets it makes no difference to me. So if we are even in everything else in life we should be even when it comes to picking up the check. I genuinely believe we all should be fair when it comes to going out and eating. If you have the ability to pay a bill why can’t you pick it up once and awhile?

 For those who don’t know I come from a large family. I basically have 30 immediate family members on both Mom and Dad’s sides. So when we go out to eat there is a lot of bill to divide amongst us. So I know a lot about trying to pay a bill fairly in a large group. Having said that I’ve been out at times with a large group of people (like 6+ or better) and its amazing when the bill comes how quickly the wallets disappear. Like how you can throw a $20 in if you had a entrée and a mixed drink? Do you think the tip just pays itself?

Ah the tip. See this part of the meal people always seem to forget. Like all of a sudden we don’t have to tip anymore? Just a quick refresher, I like the double the tax method. For great service, a couple of bucks more, for AVERAGE service just the standard double, and for poor service a couple of bucks less then usual. Anyway I go out with people who think all they have to put in for is the food they bought. They forget they need to put in for the tip too dummies! More so then anything else this is the part that gets me the most. Its like you forgot that part. I hate going out with people like that. Especially in a group meal. I went out one time with a group of people and while I was eating my $10 burger someone ordered a $30 lobster. Yet when the bill came they only put in $30. Wait, what? Where is your tip, and your tax you’re supposed to throw in? Oh man was I ready to explode when I saw that.

My point in all this is in a group meal you just need to be lucky enough to go out with people who are willing to pay there share. Sadly, there are not that many people like that out there as far as I can see. 

 But I agree with Queenie in that do not go out and order beyond what you have the means to pay for. There are plenty of websites out there where you can go and check out prices before you go to a place. So do not go to Blue Smoke and be shocked when the bill for two is $75 and you only brought $70. If you’re gonna go to a big boy restaurant bring big boy money. Be prepared to spend. If you have made the choice to go out to eat DO NOT BE CHEAP! If you want to be cheap then do not go to a 5 star restaurant cause it probably means you are going to spend 5 star money. Stay at your food carts, and your Chinese food take out spots. There is nothing wrong with that.

As far as drinking at the bar I have a very simple rule. If someone buys you a round you buy them a round. Its only fair. If you get a $10 beer try to return the favor and get something in the same ballpark. Don’t buy the $3 tap beer in return. That just means you are a jerk. 

 On a personal note I’d just like to say that Queenie and I have this conversation all the time about who should pick up the bill. Her and I go to a lot of different places to eat. And I always find it so refreshing that when her and I go out we often fight to pay the bill. Or at the very least we go dutch and pay our share. Its nice to have someone with the same mindset as myself. That we want to fair and just go enjoy the wonderful world dining without having to worry about paying. We can enjoy with a person who feels the same way.

So anyone up for a little midnight pj diner run?